Up until now, I’ve not felt any insecurities in regards to my relationship with Kevin. I suppose technically my insecurities are not related to the relationship, per se, but instead to the emotional toll the inevitable separation is having on me. Perhaps even us? I cannot speak for anyone else involved, but I am not one to place focus strictly on myself, and therefore believe that the emotional roller coaster to which I have succumb is not only impacting my personal life but also the lives of my family members.
I am notorious for pushing people away when I feel I am losing control of my independence. I think that is what worries me most. That independence to which I am accustomed does not particularly have anything to do with physical autonomy, but rather a well-balanced mental state of which no one should be able to repress, at least in my previous opinion of the matter.
A few days ago, I got upset over something that was really quite trivial in the grand scheme of things; however, because I was having to fly back to New Mexico—leaving my family behind once more—my reaction was rather exaggerated. Unfortunately, I told Kevin more than once to take me to the airport. Looking back, I’m not sure if that was part of my infamous barrier trying to regain its structural balance on my psyche, or if I couldn’t bear the thought of Kevin seeing me at a weak point in my life. The latter seems sufficient.
Whatever it is, I know this relationship is unlike any I’ve ever had. I know that, for the first time in my life, the idea of trying to hide or run away from someone doesn’t seem so appealing. Whereas before I was under the impression that detaching myself was not only to protect my own heart but the heart of others as well, I have unexpectedly come to the conclusion that that is not what I want for this partnership.
Before Kevin, I felt no guilt or apprehension about being alone. I felt it was my destiny; I was content with that and in fact could have wanted nothing more. Now, however, I cannot imagine a life without this man with whom I have felt an affinity since the first day we reunited. My life with Kevin was predetermined long before I had a say so. I realize now that one cannot avoid God’s plan, and that is the true concept of immeasurable peace.
